Are you in a healthy relationship?

Healthy relationships are characterized by respect, trust, open communication, and shared decision-making. They involve mutual understanding, empathy, and a willingness to compromise. Both partners should feel safe, respected, valued, and supported. If you were raised by caregivers who took the path to healing and self-discovery, their unresolved wounds were passed on to you and they are shaping your relationships. It often occurs through subtle cues, behaviours, and emotional responses that children absorb unconsciously. They might appear as an underlying sense of not belonging, a belief that you are not lovable, or that you are not worthy. When you hold these beliefs, you attract people in your life that mirror your unresolved childhood wounds and you may struggle recognizing the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

I created a list of questions that are meant to help you engage in a reflective exercise to understand wheather or not you are in a healthy relationship.

Do you feel respected by your partner? 

Is your partner always talking to you in a respectful way? Is he/she respecting your boundaries?

We have a tendency to recall and select information that supports our views, ignoring contrary information. Therefore, it is important to take the time you need to review your past experiences. Have there been times when your partner felt frustrated, unable to control their emotions? Have they put their hands on you or said things to hurt you on purpose? 

It is important to always be respected by your partner. Not just occasionally. Respect in a relationship involves acknowledging and valuing a person's worth, feelings, and boundaries, and treating them with consideration and courtesy. In a healthy relationships, both partners are dedicated to fostering trust, honesty and open communication. Boundaries are necessary and they must be always respected. Remember that you: 

•            need to have time for yourself and all your other commitments, 

•            do not have to be intimate with someone whenever they want, 

•            do anything that it does not make you feel comfortable, 

•            deserve to be respected. 

Is your partner emotionally available? 

Have you noticed that your partner is not listening when you are sharing something that is important to you? Has your partner made plans to go on vacation with friends or their family, but you have not been invited? Is your partner asking to know how you feel? Do you find that your partner is asking for your support, but when you need their help, they are not available?

When you are in a healthy relationship, providing emotional support to each other is normal. Feeling listened, validated and receiving constructive feedback from your partner creates closeness and trust between the two of you. When two people feel free to be who they truly are and accepted as they are, they are emotionally intimate. This level of trust and communication can help to deepen the bond between two people. 

Are there many ups and downs in your relationship? 

Have you found yourself enjoying your day and being attacked by your partner when you least expect? 

A healthy relationship is one where both partners communicate with each other assertively. Whatever happened in their life before meeting you or outside of their interactions with you cannot be used as a justification to take their emotions out on you. Being able to disagree with your partner without being punished afterwards is also a sign that your partner is not seeing you as an extension of themselves. Toxic relationships go through cycles, and those cycles go in loops, round and around. The idealization phase, the devaluation phase, the rejection phase, and the hoovering phase. 

Is your partner supportive of you? 

Is your partner celebrating your achievements or is putting you down when you have just accomplished something? Is your partner just talking about celebrating your achievements, but not doing anything? When did you rely on your partner last time? When did you partner do something for you without seeking something in return or mentioning how much money they spent on you? Has your partner said that they feel that they are putting their life on hold for you by putting their needs aside for a while to support you?

Your partner should be your first supporter. Being there for each other is normal and not a sacrifice. Your achievement is a demonstration of your hard work, dedication to fulfil your dreams. 

Do you still like your partner after starting to see not so good things in him/her? 

No individual is perfect and having unrealistic expectations about the person you want to share the rest of your life with may only bring frustration and disappointment. However, lowering your expectations constantly will certainly bring this outcome and shows that you don’t love yourself. You will forget who you are if you put aside your values to embrace a partner who is not willing to do their work and meet you in the middle to set a common goal. It is not healthy for you to dedicate your life hoping that your partner will change into someone who is not. You also do not need to change for anyone! You may just need to make changes in how you treat yourself, so you can find peace and self-love. Look for someone who is real and shares similar values as yours. 

How does your body feel? 

Do you often feel that your body is tensed? Do you have a restful sleep? Is your chest heavy? Do you feel drained of energy every day? When did you smile last time? 

When we are unhappy, our physical health is affected. We may experience pain in our shoulders, have headaches or migraines. Sleep is closely connected to mental and emotional health. Abundant research has shown that emotional stress is one of the causes for sleep disturbances.  

Do you still seek physical proximity with your partner? 

Do you still find time to spend time just with your partner? When did you have a walk with your partner last time? When did you hold your hands and kissed last time? 

Spending quality time with your partner is important, as it brings closeness. It is important to create time for laughter, joy and desire to be close to your partner and express your love for them, as it strengthens the bond between two people. Intimacy is a time when both partners connect with each other emotionally and physically. The way people connect in those moments of intimacy shows their attachment style. For example, if your partner is not connecting with you emotionally, they are separating sex from love, they have an avoidant attachment style. Being intimate with your partner should not be a physical performance.  

Is your partner involved in your world? 

Have you met your partner’s friends and family? How has your partner presented when being around them? How do they talk to each other? Has your partner been interested in meeting your friends and family? 

If your partner is not inviting you to meet their friends and family although your relationship seems to be solid, you may want to find the reason. It is important to see how your partner is interacting with other people, especially with their own family to understand their family structure. These experiences will give you a glimpse of what your future might look like. You may not want to be part of an enmeshed family, where boundaries are not allowed.  

If you find yourself unsettled, confused, seek professional support! It is never too late to learn to love yourself!