Unlocking our inner child after experiencing parental abuse

Without understanding our parents and what narcissism did to us, it is impossible to heal. Our mind has learned to cope with our unpleasant childhood experiences, most of the time by repressing or denying our hurt feelings. We have kept longing for peace, consistency, safety and love, but have not been able to develop a healthy relationship with ourselves and others.  

Why are we so unsure about ourselves?

Being raised by narcissistic parents has long lasting effects on our attachment style, self-esteem, and overall wellbeing. Survivors seek support to overcome oversensitivity, lack of self-trust, fear of conflict and rejection, inability to succeed in relationships, a general state of insecurity and tendency to anticipate the unexpected. We may have had a parent who was self-absorbed, almost never present, or one who was needy and made us responsible for their well-being and for fulfilling their dreams. They taught us that our role was to attend to their needs, feelings and desires. Our hopes and needs didn’t seem to matter to them. The weight of the pain caused by being invisible to our parents felt even heavier if having siblings who received more attention and were overvalued, as feelings of inadequacy and inferiority were caused by our parents’ constant comparisons. Their love and attention were conditional on our success and a reason for competition between siblings.

As children of narcissistic parents, we learn to stay small in order to survive. After having denied our need to live in a safe and nurturing environment, we internalize the messages we receive from our parents and we continue to tell ourselves throughout our lives that “we are not good enough” and that “ we are not lovable”. Our inner child remains stuck in pain, feeling empty, numb, tired and unhappy, unable to understand that the parent was the one who was unable to give them love, care, validation and support. Children always idealize their parents and give meaning to their experiences by thinking that something is wrong with them, that they have to modify their behavior to receive attention and love. Throughout our life, we crave love, but we continue to operate from the beliefs that we are unlovable and not good enough. We have difficulty trusting ourselves, we struggle voicing our needs and we are overgiving, as we continue to chase others, hoping to find the love our inner child has never had.

If you had a narcissistic parent or two, your boundaries have been crossed so many times that you have a hard time separating your own identity from others. You know yourself as being someone's partner, someone's parent, but you may not know well who you truly are for yourself. You don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. Saying “no” to someone feels like a crime and you feel guilty right away. You end up being in relationships where your needs continue to be invisible.

After being brainwashed and manipulated from a young age, it takes us years, sometime decades to understand where our issues are stemming from. Usually, we come to this understanding after the break-up of many unhealthy relationships that leave us with more wounds than we had before. Healing from narcissistic abuse involves hard work for the rest of our lives. When we experience narcissistic abuse, we are in a survival mode. We disconnect from our own emotions and become more attuned to other people’s needs. Therefore, instead of running away from ourselves and trying to fill the void created by rejection, we need to acknowledge and grieve our losses, accept our past and allow ourselves to feel the pain. This intense emotional pain feels unbearable and endless at times, but it is important to go through it and release it. After this pain becomes part of our past, thinking about it will remind us of our healing journey, so that we won’t inflict more pain onto ourselves afterwards. 

All survivors of narcissistic abuse struggle with cognitive dissonance. Parts of us have conflicting beliefs that don’t allow us to fully see the reality. Even if some parts are able to recognize the abuse, our overgiving part continues to struggle putting boundaries and our inner child keeps longing for acceptance and love. Therefore, our healing involves recognizing our parts and understanding how these parts have been operating.  As these parts have allowed others to shape their happiness, their perception of who they are and what they deserve, they need to reevaluate their belief system. Connecting with these parts with compassion cultivates a stronger sense of awareness, connection and trust. 

During our healing journey, we may feel anger and consider revenge as a way of bringing justice for all the hurts we have experienced. However, you may want to keep in mind that by doing so, we continue to hold on to anger and other negative emotions that will hurt us even more, interrupting our healing process. If you look at your parents’ wounds, you may find that they have been traumatized during their childhoods as well. Perhaps others wanted to keep them small, gaslighted them, causing them to feel guilty and doubt themselves. Our parents’ unhappiness and insecurities were projected onto us and that we have absorbed their traumas. Their scars became ours. You may want to free yourself from unpleasant emotions by trying to forgive your parents. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you approve their actions, it means that you make peace with yourself. You may notice that the intensity of your pain will gradually diminish, as you learn to move forward with your losses. Most likely, they have been victims of abuse as well. 

In this healing journey, we need to learn to put boundaries without feeling guilty for doing so. Leaving our parents behind to live our own life is not a selfish act. It is a demonstration of the love we have for ourselves. Having the ability to understand others, feel their feelings as if they were ours, is an amazing gift. Though, such a gift can bring challenges if we don’t understand that we can still love others when we have boundaries. We can continue to feel their pain because we see how broken they are, but we don’t have to find a way to fix them. We accept that it is their journey to heal. They might never be able to see the problem, acknowledge how much they've hurt us or try to heal themselves...

Throughout this healing journey, we need to remain kind and patient with our inner child. With an open heart, repeat: "I love you!", "I understand you!", "I appreciate you!", "I'm proud of you!"... It is time to tell ourselves that we are not small, that our heart beats in our chest to keep us alive! We are smart, capable of achieving everything we want in this life! Our life can start again when we are committed to leaving our unpleasant experiences in the past and work hard on achieving our dreams! Our past can serve us in the future by keeping ourselves away from toxicity, learning to prioritize our own needs and choosing to form healthy and secure attachments with others.