How to recognize a narcissistic person?
People talk about toxic behaviors or narcissism so often nowadays, wondering if we live in the age of entitlement. I am doubtful that there is an increase in the number of those who have toxic behavior during our modern times. I tend to believe that we’ve started talking more about this topic, as we have been educating ourselves more on healthy relationships. Nowadays, we also have access to technology to share and learn information, counselling and therapy is available to support both survivors and perpetrators address their traumas and learn to communicate in healthy ways, while our parents and previous generations didn’t have access to any of them. Our previous generations normalized the abuse. The societal norms faced by our previous generations supported and excused domestic violence. Those who witnessed repeated abuse in their homes learned that abuse is acceptable and replicated violence later in their life.
We often use google to learn about narcissistic traits and the narcissistic personality disorder, hoping to find clarity when noticing the toxic behaviors displayed by narcissistic people. There are many nuances related to these behaviors that are hard to understand, as they are displayed in varying degrees. While some people exhibit a few traits that are not significantly affecting their lives, others may experience more traits.
The tactics used by narcissistic people
Most of us tend to associate this behavior with insults, threats, a toxic behavior that is easy to notice. However, narcissistic abuse is not always easy to recognize, especially if it comes from a covert narcissist. A covert narcissist, also known as a vulnerable narcissist, exhibits narcissistic traits without the overt sense of entitlement and grandiosity that's typically associated with the disorder. They often appear shy, humble, but still possess a need for admiration, lack empathy, and engage in manipulative behaviors. Narcissistic individuals appear great partners at the beginning, showering us with compliments and affection. They are interested in learning about your past, creating the impression that they want to know everything about you. They want to know if you are confident in yourself, kind, empathetic, reliable, if you experienced abuse before. They may ask if your previous partner was "narcissistic" during your first date, as they do not want to waste their time. Vulnerable people are their perfect prey, as they do not spend time trying to build relationships with people who are strong, confident, who have a strong support system around them. They search for people who live in isolation, such as divorced women, segregated from their family and community. If children, pets, friends and/or other family members are in the lives of those they target, they become their “enemies”, as they represent the “threat”, the ones who are going to take away from the attention and all the other benefits they seek from you. They create the illusion that they want to be part of your world, but only at the beginning, until they determine that they have gained enough power over you. Then, they start demanding that you put your children’s needs aside, questioning your decision to spend time with your friends or do other things that you enjoy. Their intention is not to build a life with you, unless there are high chances of having their needs met in the long term. They use you to obtain everything that they want, such as money, attention and good time. Once their mission is accomplished, they find another target.
The origins of narcissism
Childhood experiences play a fundamental role in developing narcissistic traits. Physical, mental, emotional trauma, perceived trauma like being judged or rejected by caregivers, family enmeshment, as well as putting children on a pedestal can lead to the development of these traits. People with narcissistic traits have deeply rooted insecurities about themselves. Some overt narcissists (they present arrogant, outgoing, overbearing) have a secure attachment style, allowing them to form long-lasting relationships, while covert narcissists (sensitive) have anxious or avoidant attachment styles. Genetics also play a crucial role in developing this condition.
The enmeshed family system with controlling and emotionally unavailable caregivers is the environment that can lead to narcissistic behaviors. An enmeshed family is a family where boundaries are rejected, where triangulation is used to communicate a difficult message and where everyone must demonstrate loyalty to protect the other. Children who grow up in enmeshed families may struggle with codependency, boundary-setting and may have difficulties forming healthy relationships, because their caregivers display these damaging behaviors:
use manipulation and emotional blackmail to get what they wanted from their children;
judge and blame their children;
steal their children's identities by imposing their own unfulfilled dreams on them;
compare their children to others;
prefer one child over others or manipulate each of them into thinking that they are the preferred one;
don't recognize their children’s individuality and respect their boundaries.
As their parents’ love was conditional, the sense of self-worth of the children who develop narcissistic traits depends on the attention and admiration they receive from others. They are fearful of being ordinary, because being authentic and less than what was expected of them led to humiliation and rejection. They internalize the belief that they are not lovable. Later in their life, they want to be loved, but they are afraid of being vulnerable. They become distant or even end the relationship abruptly to protect themselves from not being in control, exposed to the possibility of getting hurt again.
Signs and symptoms to watch for:
1. Empty at the core
The absence of support and unconditional love from parents shape the self-view of their children in a negative way, causing them to have an unstable and negative self-image. They don’t love themselves and they don’t know how to be with themselves. The thought of living without a partner causes them high levels of anxiety and they jump from one relationship to another hoping to find someone who is able to give them what they have never had: unconditional love. They want someone who is never going to leave them alone and does not make comments about their imperfections. They present themselves to others in ways that don’t fully represent who they are, aiming to create an image of a person who is liked, accepted, competent and confident, but they are unable to manifest this false profile in the long term.
2. Admiration seeking
Intense needs for validation, recognition and admiration are needed to regulate the negative emotions caused by their own perception of themselves. They seek to have a support system around themselves that gives them validation and not constructive feedback. Often, this validation comes from siblings (they were affected by the same dysfunctional home environment and seek the same type of support), partners who have low self-esteem and a giving nature. It is important to know that narcissistic people do not seek appropriate professional support to address their issues, but if they do, it’s because their partner wants to divorce or other things are not working the way they want, and they only want symptom relief. They do not admit when they are doing wrong because they avoid feelings of shame and inferiority.
3. Attention seeking
They start clinging and demanding, always needing reassurance. You may hear: “Do you love me?”, “Do you miss me?”, “What do you like about me?” They will not hesitate to accuse their partner of not being invested in their relationship, projecting on their partners their own thoughts, fears and behaviors. Threats to their security, such as their partner’s parents, children and even pets, bring an avalanche of worries that cause them to lash out.
4. Lack of empathy
While they demand to receive unconditional love, their needs are always more important than the needs of others. They can fake it at times, but always with a purpose, usually to show others that they might be wrong when starting to suspect their self-centeredness. They don’t look at you with the desire to get to know who you are, but to identify your vulnerabilities, wanting to exploit them in the future. They violate your boundaries, taking advantage of your body, money, time and emotional needs. They criticize your children, if you have them from a previous relationship, friends, parents and they may get physically aggressive toward you, your pets and children when not obtaining what they want.
5. Lying and gaslighting
It might take some time until you start to recognize these behaviors, as they excel in being dishonest. They present themselves as trustworthy at the beginning of your relationship in order to create the illusion that they are honest people, but they are very careful about what to share and not share with you. They create stories and present themselves as being the victim, but they eventually forget the details of their own narratives. They lie about their true intentions and, even if they are confronted, they deny their own statements, causing you to self-doubt. Moreover, they use every opportunity to make you question yourself, distance yourself from the other people in your life, so you start relying more and more on them.
6. Deflecting
This defensive mechanism is used to redirect the focus of a difficult conversation about their toxic behaviors. They:
reject any sort of feedback that reveals their mistakes and turn the focus of the conversation on somebody else;
claim being unloved by their romantic partners to justify their choice of cheating on them;
accuse you of not being healed from your wounds before entering another relationship and having them pay for all the mistakes of your previous partner(s);
accuse you of not trusting them, projecting on you their own trust issues;
accuse you of cheating on them despite not having evidence, fully aware that they are cheating on you. If confronted, they claim that you started cheating first, making this a never-ending cycle.
7. Envious
As their need for admiration is constant, but their self-esteem is low, they are constantly comparing themselves with others and feel envy for their accomplishments. They are jealous of their friends, co-workers, siblings, partners, even their own children. They want to be recognized as valuable in their workplace (they often seek managerial positions that allow them to control others) and, to get recognition, they sabotage and compete with others. If their needs are not met, they change jobs.
8. Exploit others
They do not hesitate to take advantage of anyone: their own children, strangers, friends and/or their own family members, thinking only about how to meet their own needs in the short term. They create rules that favor them and claim afterwards that your opinion had been taken into consideration or that you had even agreed to following those rules. They expect others to pay their bills, invite themselves to your home, expect you to give them food during their stay, do their laundry and, eventually, they start to complain about the quality of the food they receive, claiming that it is not healthy. They do not hesitate to tell you how they want to be treated on their birthday, but they do not make any effort to make you feel special on your birthday.
9. Greed
Dreams of having positions of power and money are always preoccupying their mind. Regardless of how much money they may have, it is never enough. They may purchase properties even when they know that they live beyond their means; they marry partners having in mind their social status, potential inheritances or potential to make money. They do everything they can to avoid signing an agreement before entering a marriage or a common - low partnership, especially when their partner is seeking a fair agreement. If they do eventually, they look for other ways to bring it to their own advantage (life insurance, defamation, such as claims that their partners suffer from mental health issues that impair their ability to look after their own wealth, or even cause them so much distress that they start to consider ending their lives).
10. Anger
Hell comes when they feel rejected. The words of love you have heard from them are replaced by the “f” word and many others derogatory names that aim to humiliate you. They cannot stand that you may see them in a different way than the one they have depicted to you. If you want to leave them, they get resentful and try to seek revenge. Some may not hesitate to harm you physically.
11. Infidelity
They don't stay in a relationship with someone who is confronting their behaviors. When the newness wears, the admiration is stale and they start feeling under–appreciated, they seek adoration and a new supply of validation in other relationships. Hypocrisy is another characteristic of their behavior, as they claim that infidelity is what they dislike the most in others.
