How enmeshment in childhood leads to trauma into adult relationships

An important task of parenting is to promote the growth of the child to ensure a healthy development of autonomy. A healthy child – parent relationship is marked by interdependence and mutual give and take. This relationship is marked by emotional connection, where family members spend quality time together (family dinners, play games together, complete house chores together) and handle disagreements well. In this relationship, both the child and the parent feel heard and make room for alone time. 

When trauma is passed through generations, goes unseen and not treated, children are not supported to have autonomy, become emotionally independent, pursue their goals and become themselves, as parents see them as extensions of themselves. When family members are emotionally fused together in an unhealthy way, they are enmeshed. In an enmeshed family, it can also happen for a child to be used as an emotional substitute because the other parent is emotionally and physically not present, or when a parent struggles with a serious condition that affects their ability to look after themselves. 

The signs of this type of enmeshment are: 

• lack of personal boundaries. The parent becomes the child’s best friend or an alternative for adult companionship. Due to not finding love and satisfaction in their marriage, the parent turns to their child to share their interests, someone to confide in, be by their side, express their frustrations related to work, financial matters, marriage or other adult relationships. Sometimes, they may put the child on a pedestal, claiming that they are their “favourite”. During the child’s adulthood, the parent shows up at their home unannounced, calls them a few times a day and wants to know everything about their relationships. 

• dependent relationships. As the parent starts having overly intimate conversations about their lives, the child develops the belief that they are the sole source of happiness for the parent. Consequently, the child feels responsible for their parent’s happiness, they feel terrified thinking that they may cause disappointment if not fixing their parent’s problems. Gradually, both the parent and the child feel reliant on each other’s emotional support and when having to make decisions. 

As a result of enmeshment, people carry trauma into their adult relationships. Some of these consequences are: 

-    difficulty establishing healthy boundaries and relationships. The adult child may allow others to cross their boundaries or may develop a sense of entitlement and is not able to understand the value of having independence and autonomy. 

-      feeling trapped in intimate relationships. Even after finding a romantic partner, the adult child continues to seek closeness with the “left behind” parent. They may swing from love to hate toward their partner, cut the partner off when not accepting their parent’s intrusive behavior and engage in self-sabotaging behaviors due to being fearful of commitment. 

-    guilt. The adult child may not leave their hometown to pursue their dreams due to feeling guilty for not being able to meet the needs of their parents. 

-    undeveloped identities. The adult child does not develop their own belief system but adopt their parent’s. Moreover, the unfulfilled aspirations of their parent become their own dreams. If the parent lacked financial stability and complained about a partner who was unable to meet this need, the adult child may turn this into their own goal. To continue being their parent’s “favorite” child, they may not even realize that they are dedicating their life to fulfill the needs of their parent. 

-    be subconsciously attracted to partners who are very much like their parent. The adult child may look for partners who are needy and lack boundaries to recreate a similar relationship to the one they had with their parent. If they relied on their parents instead of on their own capabilities, they may also look for partners who are willing to do things for them. 

Sadly, although it is not widely recognized, all the above-described behaviors are abusive. These children lose ground emotionally, mentally and psychologically, suffering delays in their social and emotional development that affect them during their adulthood. The first step to break free of enmeshment is to recognize it. Then try to get support from a professional to learn how to challenge beliefs that affect your perception of who you are and teach you how to develop healthy relationships.