How to break emotional entanglement after ending the relationship with a narcissistic person
What is emotional entanglement?
Has it happened to meet someone and lose track of time as everything about that person was captivating? It felt like a strong connection that led to a rush of dopamine in your body. You joked, they joked, you laughed, they laughed… You felt that the other person knew what you were feeling. The connection went beyond words...
This happens because of our mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are brain cells that are activated when we engage in an action or when we observe someone performing an action. They play a key role in our ability to learn new skills, connect with others emotionally, imitate and understand their actions and internal states. Because of these neurons, we yawn when we see someone yawning, we smile when we see others smiling and we know how to respond when we see someone crying. When someone is telling you a story, you start to mirror the emotions evoked by their story. Because of the mirror neurons, when someone is telling you nice words, spends as much time as possible with you, writes poems for you and brings you flowers, you start responding to these actions in a similar way. However, mirror neurons react to something based on perception and our perceptions are not always accurate.
As we may know, narcissist people have empathy deficits. They experienced trauma and/or emotional neglect in their home environment from caregivers who were not attuned to their needs and caused them attachment disturbances. During childhood, the caregivers may have considered them weak when crying and may have ignored their need for love and consistency. To get the caregiver’s attention and appreciation, the child observed the caregiver’s needs and tried to please them. If the caregiver was aggressive, the child had to be hypervigilant, always on guard to determine if they were safe or good enough. Because the caregiver gave them short moments of attention and then focused on something else, the child learned to disconnect emotionally from the caregiver and seek comfort in something else. When the child learned that the caregiver gave them attention only after getting excellent grades, the child internalized that message and strived for perfection. As the parent manipulated and put down others, the child learned to recreate that behavior when interacting with others. In the act of manipulation, the caregiver showed them the attention the child was desperate to receive. Therefore, the child learned that love is conditional.
Narcissist people are good observers. They are mirroring other people's body language, speech, emulating their interests, attitudes and behaviors. Therefore, what you may perceive as being real when dating someone could only be an illusion, their strategy to satisfy their own need for attention and appreciation. During the idealization phase, narcissistic people give you attention, effusive praise, affection, moments of validation and connection to gain your trust. In such moments, your brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter that creats feelings of pleasure and exhilaration, reinforcing the bond with the narcissistic people. Even if they seem to be excited like you, they are actually guarded, vigilant, looking to determine if you are their perfect person to meet their needs in full. As they don’t know what unconditional love is, narcissistic people act exactly like their caregivers who gave them only a short moment of attention, followed by disconnection. Their showers of love are always followed by manipulations and demands that leave you feeling confused. If not receiving what they want, they withdraw their attention toward you suddenly. You may experience the silent treatment, they may not show you affection, or they may not contact or engage with you at all (discarting phase). You may continue to search for connection, give them love hoping that they will mirror your behavior. You continue to look for the dopamine rush, to feel loved and the reciprocity you perceived at the beginning. During this devaluation phase, narcissists deliberately withhold attention and affection sporadically throughout the relationship to maintain the victim’s addiction to them. If you decide to escape, they tell you everything you want to hear in order for them to continue receiving your love (hoovering phase). Eventually, you start feeling trapped or addicted to the cycle of highs and lows. You feel that you cannot disconnect emotionally from the one who is continuously breaking your heart. This is emotional entanglement.
To break emotional entanglement, you need physical, emotional and mental space. It is a MUST to put physical distance between you and the narcissistic person, so you can preserve your energy instead of getting alert, reactive or having to attend to their needs. You may also want to consider putting distance between you and other external factors that drain your energy. Without having this distance, you will not be able to pause, reflect and (re)connect with yourself.
Do not be concerned about being accused of being silent, as this type of SILENCE is a boundary that you put to protect and heal yourself! Do not feel the need to respond in order to protect yourself! They do not want you to re(connect) with yourself, because they know that you may not come back! Do not allow them to tell you when you are going to communicate with them again! It can be a month, two or as long as you need to reconnect with your inner voice. Silence gives you the opportunity to observe patterns of behaviors and how they caused YOU to feel. Use silence to reflect, remember about your own needs, envision the relationship you want to have and make decisions that align with them. Ask yourself if you love yourself, if you deserve tiny bits of connection, if you want to be always confused and feel lonely despite being in a relationship.
When you love yourself, being alone does not make you feel uncomfortable and lonely. You no longer suffer if you don't have a partner. You don’t allow anyone to put you down. When you love yourself, you know that true love is when you give and receive in the same way, when you are not asked to provide anything in return, when you hold and are being held, when you have peace within you and outside of you. True love is provided by someone who is able to hug you when you are crying and not punish you for thinking that you are weak!
